signs and tells
by xIrelandx
Summary: Apollo's really broken up about Clay's death, but we all knew that. He just can't seem to handle the idea that someone might want to take care of him. Phoenix/Apollo, past Clay/Apollo and minor background Athena/Blackquill. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR DUAL DESTINIES. Warning for suicidal ideation.
1. Chapter 1

It's nine o'clock on a Tuesday when Apollo gets the call. He has to clap a hand over his mouth to drown out the screams he's not letting loose. Some part of his brain is laughing hysterically. This is obviously a joke – Clay is just playing a prank on him. A long overdue April Fool's Day April Fool's, or something like that. What he's being told isn't true and he refuses to believe it.

He's still at the office because they've just finished a case, and Trucy insisted that everyone stay over for cheap food and grape juice. Athena had been trying her hand at paper football, and Apollo was just watching everything – shaking his head, wondering not for the first time if he was the only sane man in the world. In a completely good-natured way, of course – this is his family. He wouldn't change it for the world. But since he wasn't preoccupied, he shouted that he'd get the phone ("Gee Apollo, I didn't hear that. Think you could say it any louder?").

If anybody noticed his absence, or how quiet he was being while on the phone, they didn't say anything. Probably still focused on that origami football, on trying to avoid the penalty of cookies from Trucy's magical panties. It was like he was existing in two different worlds at once. There had to be a third option, and if one wasn't available…he'd have to create it.

Apollo wasn't out of shape, but he was by no means an athlete. He didn't go running for fun – something even Athena, who'd only known him for a short time, would know. But she hadn't known him for as long, couldn't pick up on his signs and tells when he was upset or lying or trying to hide. Maybe when they were face to face, but never when his back was turned. She might never see the front again.

* * *

Phoenix instructed Athena and Juniper, who'd popped up out of nowhere, to stay behind and look after Trucy. Athena tried to argue – Apollo was her friend, too – but Phoenix slammed down any objections. She'd never seen Apollo really upset before, but he'd been the source of that anger more than once. He could deal with Apollo turning on him. Athena grudgingly agreed to stay put, if only to prepare for a therapy session for Apollo whenever he got back from wherever he'd gone. And finding him would take quite a long time.

He wasn't at home. Some time ago, he'd given Phoenix a set of spare keys, just in case he lost his own or got locked out. Phoenix did a quick sweep of the place, just to make sure. He checked all the other places Apollo could be hiding – Mr. Eldoon's noodle stand, People Park – but he didn't see him.

_This isn't going to work if I'm panicking. He doesn't want to be found – where could someone go to disappear like that? If I were that worked up, what would I –_

_Oh, no_. He'd never wanted so much in his life to be wrong about something. Phoenix found himself running full tilt toward the nearest bridge, hoping to whatever deity was listening that Apollo had more sense than that.

Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. Apollo was just sitting on the railing, shivering, looking out over the water. He didn't appear to be holding on to anything, just sitting and shaking. For someone who made an impression for being loud, Phoenix could hardly hear him crying. But there were those tells…

"Go away."

"No," Phoenix said simply.

"Mr. Wright," Apollo growled. It was possible that someone, somewhere, would find Apollo frightening. Apollo had complained enough that people always either thought he was a demon or a child, that there seemed to be no in-between. Phoenix saw him as neither.

"If you're going to scold me like my mother, the least you could do is use my first name."

"I'm not joking."

"Neither am I: if you jump, I'll jump in after you."

Apollo shook his head. "Don't be stupid. Trucy needs you."

"She needs you too. We all do."

"No you don't!" Apollo shouted. "God – can't you just leave me alone? I've just lost the last shred of family I had left, can't I just be miserable in peace?"

Thinking quickly, Phoenix threw his arms around Apollo's middle, dragging him down off the railing. "Not when that involves you sitting on a railing above a very high drop."

"Let go of me," Apollo snapped, wriggling in Phoenix's arms. Phoenix relented some, letting go of Apollo's middle but holding a hand firmly on his wrist.

"You scared the hell out of us, you know –"

"Doesn't matter."

"Oh really?"

"Yes!" Apollo managed to break free. Phoenix was prepared to tackle him again, but he didn't seem to be running. Just vibrating in place. He'd never seen the young man so angry before. "Don't you get it?"

"No," he replied calmly. "You left without telling us anything."

"My best friend is dead," he shouted. He had a far-away look on his face, one Phoenix had never seen before. Apollo was normally so focused, so concentrated. Hi eyes appeared to be trained on Phoenix, but he was looking straight past the man. "I have literally no one left who cares about me. I'm completely unattached. I may as well be dead."

Phoenix slapped Apollo hard across the face. His breathing was still heavy, but he didn't appear to be quite as panicked. "Apollo, please look at me." Apollo refused to look up. "Apollo Justice, look at me." Still, Apollo faced away. "Don't make me force you, Apollo. Look at me, please."

Apollo looked up as little as was possible – pupils rolling upwards instead of tilting his head up, his eyes still darting down occasionally. Phoenix could tell that he was ashamed, but still determined to run away. "I never want to hear anyone I love say anything like that, and that includes you, Apollo."

Apollo was looking at him timidly, still unsure and still not facing him fully. Phoenix sighed. "I know you may not believe me – not now, anyway – but you're not as alone as you think you are. We all care about you, very much, even if we haven't known you for as long and even if we're not blood-related. You're practically family. So you're wrong, Apollo; Trucy needs you, Athena needs you, I need you."

He watched Apollo lick his lips and swallow, still trying to hold back tears. Phoenix had to try hard not to sigh in exasperation – this kid would be the death of him, holding back his feelings like this. "Even if you're not ready to talk about this now –" Phoenix let out a startled gasp as Apollo fisted his hands in the other's shirt, laying his head against Phoenix's chest. In all the time he'd known Apollo, Phoenix had never seen him give anyone a hug; yet that was undeniably what this was.

"I just can't believe he's gone," Apollo whispered.

Phoenix wasn't sure how to proceed. He merely placed his hands on Apollo's shoulders, pulling the young man closer into his body. He could feel his young friend shaking – whether from the chill of the autumn night or the nervous energy of sadness, he couldn't tell. He let his arms drape over Apollo's back, covering his shoulders. He rested his chin on Apollo's shoulder, rubbing his back soothingly.

"It's okay, Apollo," Phoenix whispered. "You'll be okay."

* * *

Trucy had learned a long time ago that when Apollo got to acting this way, she simply shouldn't ask what happened or why he wouldn't talk about it. He'd come around eventually, and in the meantime, she just had to be there to make tea or get him water or tell people to leave him alone. She'd never had a sibling before, but Apollo was pretty close and she was certain that this was what siblings were meant to do – support each other, no matter what.

Athena, however…

"Apollo! Where did you go – we were worried sick!"

"Shut up, Athena." Apollo didn't even turn to look at her. His shoulders were stiff, his body way too still to be natural. _He must be trying very hard not to let anyone see what's wrong_.

Mr. Wright put a hand on Apollo's right shoulder, squeezing gently, before gently pushing him along in the direction of one of the small bedrooms in the apartment. To Athena's surprise, Apollo didn't fight back; he entered the room and slammed the door behind him. She was reminded of a child throwing a temper-tantrum, but the situation seemed so much more severe than that.

"He'll be okay," Mr. Wright assured her. "But you might want to steer clear for a few days."

"Why?" Athena cried. "What's happened?"

Phoenix chewed on his bottom lip, trying to decide whether or not it would be appropriate for him to say. "Someone very close to him has been murdered, and he has been asked to defend the suspect in court."

"Is that even ethical?" Juniper asked. Everyone turned to face her, frankly having forgotten that she was there. "Wouldn't that be hard on Apollo?"

Mr. Wright looked down. "Possibly, but that's not for us to decide. No matter what Apollo chooses to do, we will support him."

Trucy and Juniper nodded along, but Athena wasn't convinced. "But he's hiding something! The issue's deeper than that –"

"Athena," she'd never heard Mr. Wright angry before. She pitied any person put on the other end of this glare. "Please, go home."

"But –"

"This is a family matter," Trucy spoke up. "Sorry Thena, but you don't know Polly very well."

Juniper had already stood up, and was tugging at Athena's sleeve. "Thena, please, let's go."

Athena felt desperate. She'd never seen a cause she couldn't help with sheer determination, a problem she couldn't solve by force of will. Surrender wasn't a word she kept in her vocabulary, but lately she'd been feeling more and more helpless. She hadn't felt so low since… well. Since she was a little girl.

Phoenix entered the room Apollo had retreated to, and she could hear muffled speaking. They were keeping their voices low, knowing she could hear them. "So, what," she asked bitterly. "He'll talk to Mr. Wright, but not to us?"

"Yes," Trucy stated bluntly. "Daddy's different, they've got some sort of connection.

"Really, unless you two want to help me clean up, I suggest you go home now. I'll let you know when Apollo's ready to talk."

* * *

Trucy was exhausted. Normally, she'd try to pawn chores off on someone else, but she had to feel like she could do something other than just wait for Apollo to come out. She sighed heavily, trying to think of something else to do, some other way to help.

Tylenol! Boys always seemed to deny crying, but she knew Polly had been, and crying always leaves a headache. She filled up a glass with water, ran to the medicine cabinet, and knocked softly on the door before entering.

Trucy and her daddy shared a room, with two small beds in it. Whenever Apollo wound up spending the night, he insisted on taking the couch, no matter how polite the other two attempted to be. There always had been a third option, one that they'd never brought up; and even though Apollo apparently chose that third option tonight, Trucy couldn't see them ever mentioning it again. Apollo and Phoenix both were laying on the small bed. Apollo's cheeks were red and puffy, but he was breathing evenly. His right hand had formed a fist, holding onto the front of Daddy's shirt. Daddy had wrapped his left arm around Apollo's waist. Trucy swallowed uncomfortably, terribly upset on Apollo's behalf. He was never a cold person, but he was also not toucy-feely. Whatever happened must have been pretty bad if he was willing to openly receive affection, let alone seek it out.

Trucy set the water and medicine down on the end table, hoping her Daddy wouldn't accidentally knock it off in his sleep, and switched off the lamp. Quietly, she slipped out of her boots and prepared for bed.

She paused as she pulled back the covers, looking over her shoulder at her sleeping father and pseudo-brother. Apollo shifted closer to Phoenix, tucking his head in underneath the other man's chin, and Trucy watched as her Daddy's arm tightened around Apollo's waist in his sleep. They were so close that their chests must have been touching. Trucy smiled sadly, and changed her mind.

She walked as lightly as possible over to the other bed, trying not to cause too much as she crawled up and wrapped her arms around Apollo. Whatever happened, she wanted Polly to know he wasn't alone. Maybe this way, he wouldn't feel so bad when he woke up in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

If Apollo was embarrassed when he woke up, he hid it well and didn't let it stop him staying over the next day. And the day after. And the day after the day after. It started to become a habit, something expected but never mentioned. Trucy didn't bring it up, and neither did her Daddy. Athena hadn't spoken since Apollo blew up at her, but Trucy could tell she was losing her patience. She didn't need to have Athena's ability to see the agitation practically rolling off the other girl's shoulders every time Apollo started to break, and turned to Mr. Wright or Trucy for comfort. Athena was about to lose it completely when Apollo cornered her out of the office.

Specifically, they were sitting out in People Park, eating lunch. Mr. Wright looked at Apollo in concern before excusing himself to make a call. Athena didn't know what to make of the situation when Apollo didn't look up and make eye contact; but once Mr. Wright was out of earshot, Apollo started talking.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day –"

"It was a week ago," Athena corrected. Too fast, perhaps, for her next statement to ring true. "It's okay, don't worry about it. It didn't bother me."

Apollo didn't comment on the obvious lie. He was staring at the ground, hands rubbing together slowly. "It's just…" She could feel him trying to find the right words. He gave up, and sighed, because they just wouldn't come to him. She wanted so badly to conduct a therapy session, but Apollo was her friend, sort of her mentor, and definitely not her client.

Athena put her hand on Apollo's shoulder, but retracted when he froze up, feeling worse than ever. She couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything – how was she supposed to comfort the uncomfortable?

"Sorry," Apollo huffed. "I'm not used to people touching me."

He was already upset, and he wasn't going to like anything she did or said, so she might as well have gone for broke. "Who was it?"

Apollo pinched the bridge of his nose. It reminded her of his thinking pose, except his eyes were closed. Not in concentration, but in pain. "His name was Clay Terran, and he was my best friend."

Athena could feel her eyes widen in horror. This was the friend she'd nagged Apollo to introduce her to, the best friend who got him interested in space. "Oh my god. Apollo, I'm so sorry."

"I know," he said. She heard him swallow hard, probably choking back more tears and emotions. She should reprimand him. She should draw them out of him. She should get him to talk, because that would help, because that's what he needs. And this was why she opted for defence and not therapy – she was at the crossroads between what Apollo wanted and what Apollo needed, and despite her stubborn determination… She had to choose the former. Something she'd never done in her life.

"I'm alone now," Apollo tried to force some sort of humour in his words, probably to make Athena feel less uncomfortable, but it only made her feel worse. "I don't – don't know how much Mr. Wright told you about me, before you got here."

"Almost nothing," she admitted. And then, blushing, "I didn't really give him a chance –"

"You just sort of took off running," his laugh was at least half-genuine this time. "That sort of describes you, in a nutshell." Apollo swallowed again, feet shuffling. "I don't have any family. At all. Clay was the closest thing, since I've known him for so long…"

Athena very desperately wanted to say that it would be okay, but she isn't like Apollo. She's exuberant, outgoing, and makes friends easily. Apollo's so closed. She's not sure that it will be okay, that he'll be okay, and she didn't want to lie, even if it was for his benefit.

She wondered if Mr. Wright did.

"I know I've still got Trucy, and Mr. Wright," Apollo continued. "But I don't have anything tying me to my past anymore. There's no proof. It's like I never existed before I met them."

It was the last thing Apollo said for the rest of the day. He shut down like a computer when Mr. Wright came back. Athena looked between them, trying to figure out what the weird signalling was, but there's no fear or shock. If she had to guess, she'd wager that Apollo just didn't want Mr. Wright to worry about him any more than he already did.

Klavier Gavin came by to see a "Herr Forehead," a joke Athena still doesn't get because Apollo's forehead really isn't that big. He didn't stay very long – just made some idle chitchat with Trucy and Mr. Wright and had a quick conversation with Apollo that actually managed to make him laugh. Before he left, he gave one of Apollo's shoulders a gentle squeeze and hugged him. Apollo looked slightly uncomfortable and blushed the whole time, but he thanked Prosecutor Gavin ("Klavier, please,") before heading back to his desk to continue with the paperwork from their last case.

Athena was dying to know what Klavier said to him, but knew better than to ask Apollo. So instead, she asked Klavier next time they met.

Klavier smirked, but shook his head. "Nein, Fraulein. That is between Herr Forehead and I." Athena frowned, but didn't argue. Klavier tilted his head in sympathy. "You want to know how to comfort Mr. Justice, I assume?"

"Yes!"

"Listen," Klavier said. "Don't try to do anything else. As you can probably tell, he is something of a reserved individual. Don't crowd his space. You haven't known him for very long, so definitely don't try to touch him. Just be there for him when he needs you to be."

Athena had to bite her tongue to keep from saying thanks for stating the obvious, because Klavier was a nice guy and she couldn't afford to piss off the only prosecutor who didn't regularly threaten to kill them.

Her face must have been an easy read, as Klavier started to laugh. "Just be patient," he advised. "It'll all make sense eventually."

* * *

Athena expected Juniper to come by. In fact, she was half hoping (and half dreading) that she'd come by. Maybe Apollo would talk to her, too, and she could explain what was going on. (Of course, that would just activate Athena's paranoia that Apollo didn't like her very much.)

She didn't, though. She just sent flowers. Apollo smiled at them, sadly, then abruptly announced that he was going for a walk. Athena was surprised when Mr. Wright didn't immediately offer to accompany him, until it hit her that he was in a meeting.

She tried to concentrate on her work. She really, really tried. But after an hour had gone by, she found herself getting worried, and she had a feeling Mr. Wright wouldn't be too pleased either. She scribbled down a note in case the boss came back before she did, and practically flew out the door.

It didn't take her very long to find Apollo. He hadn't gone very far. He looked sort of weird, wearing a hoodie over his normal attire. He was sitting alone on a bench, hands in his pockets, watching a group of kids play soccer. He was smiling to himself. "They remind me of me and Clay when we were kids."

"Did you play soccer a lot?"

"No, we watched other kids play soccer." Athena laughed. She couldn't determine if he was joking or not, but it didn't matter. "Do you ever miss being that age?" he asked.

Athena shrugged. "I think most people do. My childhood was… sort of difficult. I guess if I could live someone else's childhood over again, I'd enjoy it."

Apollo nodded. "That's a good point, but then you wouldn't be the person you are today."

Athena shook her head. "You're putting much more thought into this than I did. Let me try again?"

Apollo shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, I guess. We can't change things."

Athena bit her lip. She wanted to ask something, but she didn't know what or how. Perhaps she should just stick to the obvious. That was what Klavier had done, right? "Mr. Wright should be back soon. He's gonna freak if we're both missing."

Apollo sighed. "Yeah, I guess that's true, I just had to get out for a while, you know?"

Athena nodded. She sort of understood. Whenever she started to panic, she felt the intense need to run away. It would just be easier if she could identify the deeper source of trauma. Something just felt like it was missing.

"H – He was my first love, Clay." And suddenly, everything snapped into place. Well, not everything, maybe, but quite a few things; his obliviousness to Junie's feelings for him, why he was so uncomfortable with Klavier hugging him… "I don't know if he ever understood that."

"You mean you didn't tell him?" Athena sat down next to him, placing her hands in her lap.

"No," he replied. "I wouldn't even know how, and that's just so much to put on the line. I guess it doesn't matter now. You wind up losing everybody, one way or another…"

Athena sucked in a breath, ready to take this risk no matter what. She swung her right arm around Apollo's shoulders, engulfing him in an awkward side-hug. He didn't brush her off this time, just laughed uncomfortably. "From everything you've told me about him, Apollo, I don't think he would have thought any less of you. Junie's right about you – you're a great guy, and anyone would be lucky to have you."

Apollo groaned. "Oh god, you're not going to start hitting on me too, are you?"

Athena scrunched up her nose. "Gross! No, offense –" ("None taken," he deadpanned,) "But you're really not my type."

"Safe to say, you're not either." Athena stood and offered her hand to Apollo. He took it, and allowed her to pull him upright.

"None of us are going to leave you. In fact, I think you might have to kill Mr. Wright to get him to leave you alone." Apollo blushed, and Athena was hit with a new idea – not one she intended to extort right now, but she sat it on a shelf for later.

"You're probably right about that."

They continued their walk back to the agency in silence. Not uncomfortable silence, but there was nothing to say. As much as Athena could talk, she knew when to stop.

Apollo grabbed her wrist just outside of the office, another embarrassed blush creeping on his face. "I just wanted to say, th – thank you. For listening."

She smiled. "It's no problem, that's what friends are for!"

"I also wanted to say…" Apollo's tone was deadly serious now. Athena held her breath. "Just because you know I'm gay, that doesn't mean you can drag me around shopping. I _hate_ shopping."

Athena would have laughed if he didn't look so genuine. "You are absolutely no fun at all."


	3. Chapter 3

Trucy was alarmed to hear a thumping and hissing noise at half three in the morning. She'd gone back to sleeping in her own bed, to give Polly and her Daddy some space. Now she almost wished she hadn't. She was scared stiff, holding onto the sheets for dear life. _Come on, Trucy, it's probably just daddy getting some grape juice or something –_

"Apollo!" Yep, that was her daddy's voice hissing. But it sounded… unsettled. Rushed. "Apollo, open the door!" There was another thunk sound – probably her father trying to bang on the bathroom door without waking her up.

"Leave me alone," a voice from inside snapped. It didn't sound like Polly at all. It was too dark and scary.

"Damnit –"

"Daddy?" She could feel rather than see him freeze. The room was still pitch black. "Daddy, what's wrong with Apollo?"

Phoenix leaned over and switched the bedside lamp on. He looked dishevelled, unshaven. Trucy hadn't seen him this unkempt since he got his attorney's badge back. Trying to keep an eye on Apollo must have been wearing on him. Trucy felt guilty for not helping more. Things just seemed to be going so much more smoothly recently…

"Trucy," her father's voice broke through the haze of sleepiness. He wasn't whispering anymore, speaking loudly enough for Apollo to hear. "I need you to call an ambulance. Quickly, please –"

"Trucy, no –"

Trucy was trembling. She could think of a few things that were maybe going on. She was in high school, for god's sake, she wasn't a kid any more. She knew what could happen to people when they were really sad, how they could change when they got desperate. "Daddy, what's –"

"Now!" Phoenix shouted.

She shivered as she walked to the sole landline, fingers trembling as she dialled the numbers. She could still hear the two arguing, her Daddy's calm composure slipping.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

What should she tell them? She didn't know any of the facts. "I'm – I'm not really sure what's going on. M- my daddy –"

"Where are you?" Trucy stumbled over the address, panicking more over the idea that she must be taking too long, and what would happen if they were slow in getting there? "We're sending someone over right now, but please stay on the line. Can you tell us any more about your situation?"

"My – my friend. He's st- staying over. He's been depressed for weeks, and he's just – he's just locked himself in the bathroom, and my daddy told me to call for an ambulance."

"Crap – different kind of emergency – it may take a little bit longer –"

"No!" Trucy cried. "Apollo could be, could be," _Dead._ "Really badly hurt by then!"

"Kid. What's your name?"

"Trucy."

"Okay, Trucy," the operator said calmly. "I need you to stay calm. Take deep breathes." Trucy did as instructed, trying to keep her breathing even. "I'm going to need some information, so I can send it along to the hospital. Who, exactly, has been injured?"

"Ap-Apollo J-Justice."

"Do you know how badly?"

"Uhm, pretty badly, I think – My daddy sounded really worried –"

"Do you know what happened to him? What sort of wound it is?"

"No," she was starting to shake again. She was genuinely afraid of what was going on, of what it meant, of what she was about to say. "But – but I think it may have been self-inflicted."

* * *

Apollo had passed out by the time the ambulance arrived. They wouldn't let her in the back of the ambulance, and even if they had, Phoenix wouldn't have allowed it. He drove her instead, speeding just a little to keep up with the ambulance.

She didn't ask her father a single question as they drove. The silence was weird, but she couldn't stand to break it. That would be like admitting this was actually happening, and admitting the reality of it meant accepting that they could lose. She didn't want to know the full details. If things went wrong from here on out, she could always pretend it happened some other way.

They were sat in the waiting room for what felt like ages before a nurse finally called Phoenix forward to discuss what was going on. The frown on his face only deepened the more the nurse went on. At one point in time, she saw him cover his face with his hands.

"Fraulein Trucy, you should be at home."

"Mr. Gavin!" She didn't mean to rush to hug him, but he didn't seem to mind, rubbing her back soothingly. "What are you doing here?"

Klavier frowned, sticking a hand in his pocket. "From the way you sounded on the phone, they thought maybe there had been a homicide. When you explained further, they called off the detectives initially on their way. Ema knew by then, though, where they were headed, and asked me to come and check on you." He smirked. "Annoyed though she is by me, at least she recognizes where I can be of help."

"What do you mean I can't see him?" Trucy and Klavier both turned to look at her father, hands fisted by his side. His moods were simply getting worse. "He's awake, isn't he?"

"Yes, but you still can't see him," the nurse replied.

"Why the hell not?"

"That's my cue," Klavier said. And with a wink, he disappeared, reappearing behind the nurse.

"Well," the nurse asked. "Are you his father?"

"No," Phoenix spluttered, "But –"

"Then I'm afraid I can't allow you access," she looked back down at her clipboard. You're always welcome to stay and wait, but –"

"Excuse me," Klavier spoke up. "But I believe the state of California recognizes same-sex marriages with the same privileges as opposite-sex relationships." Phoenix eyed Klavier warily, but didn't object.

"Oh," the nurse was flustered by both the correction and Klavier himself. "Oh!" She blushed. "Goodness, I'm sorry – I didn't think – he just looks so _young_ –"

"He's twenty-three," Phoenix snapped.

"Yes, well," the nurse mumbled.

"Tell Apollo I said hallo, won't you?" Klavier smiled. The nurse was once again distracted, giving Phoenix a chance to slip by and head to the room Apollo was waiting in.

* * *

"You know, most people knock." Apollo said weakly. If he hadn't said anything, Phoenix would have thought he was asleep.

He should have been gentle with him, but that just didn't seem like a possibility. Not with everything that had been happening recently. "And most people don't try to commit suicide in the bathroom, but I guess neither of us has ever been most people."

Apollo might have bristled at the comment, if he'd had any energy or ability to do so. With the position he was laying in, he couldn't even shrug. "I s'pose I deserve that."

Phoenix shook his head, looking around the room for something to blame. He felt so much anger, so much frustration, but he couldn't possibly take it out on Apollo. The kid was feeling bad enough as it was.

"I wouldn't blame you, you know."

"For what?" _That came out of nowhere._

"If you fired me. Or kicked me out. Or whatever."

Phoenix flinched. Trucy hadn't gone through a rebellious phase, and he'd never been in a relationship with someone so self-destructive, but he could imagine that this was what worried parents and exasperated lovers felt. He knew that Apollo was just trying to provoke him, but he couldn't help rising to the bait. "Do you really think I'd do that to you? Is your opinion of me that low?"

"This isn't about you –"

"You're damn right it isn't, Apollo," Phoenix snapped. "I'm not going to fire you, I'm not going to kick you out of my home. Even if you tried to leave, I wouldn't let you, because that's exactly what you want. I know how you're feeling –"

"No you don't!" Apollo shouted.

"The hell I don't! You think it's just a badge I lost, all those years back before I met you? I lost my entire life, Apollo. It wasn't just the job. I lost my passion and all of my friends. Where do you think I'd be right now if I didn't have Trucy to take care of? Do you really think I'd still be here?" Apollo didn't answer. He was staring, resolutely, at the floor. Phoenix looked to the corner of the room, spotting a chair. He dragged it over to Apollo's bed, close enough that he and the younger man could hold a quieter conversation.

"I pushed them all away, and they let me. I… I can't say that I blame them." Phoenix sighed. "But I'm not going to let you do that to me, Apollo. I'm going to be by your side, no matter what. Because you need someone. And I'm going to be waiting, right here, when you're ready."

There were a few moments of silence before Apollo whispered, "Thank you, Mr. Wright."

Phoenix shook his head. "We're not at work right now. Call me Nick."

He thought Apollo would protest at first, but the kid only blinked slowly and said, "Okay… Nick." Phoenix smiled gently, and laid one of his hands to rest on top of one of Apollo's. He missed Apollo's magnificent flush, as the other turned his head away. "I just want all the pain to stop, you know? I just woke up and thought…" Apollo cut off.

Phoenix looked to his friend. "Thought…what?"

Apollo shook his head, embarrassed. "I forgot about what happened. I thought maybe… that he was still here. That I was with him…" his fingers spasmed ever so slightly, trying to leave Phoenix's grip. "I woke up from a nightmare about his death, thinking that you were him. And when it occurred to me that he was really gone, for good… I couldn't handle it." He swallowed, embarrassed, and started to wriggle in discomfort. Phoenix rubbed his arm, just above his wrist. Apollo choked. "I was so in love with him, and I never even said anything! He was about to go into space, and I didn't even say goodbye!"

Apollo's hands jerked away to cover his face. The last thing he wanted was for his boss, his friend, his idol, to see him crying. Not that Phoenix was surprised – he'd been expecting something like this for a while, or at least he'd been afraid of it. Athena was right – Apollo had been hiding something. Not lying outright, but embarrassed to come completely clean.

"Mr. Wright?" Phoenix turned to see the nurse with the clipboard standing in the doorway, Trucy right behind her. "I'd like to speak to you for a moment, if I could?"

"Yeah, sure, just –" Apollo's hands had returned to his lap, but tears were still streaming down his face. Nick couldn't tell if it was anger or sadness or embarrassment that kept him quiet this time, but he didn't want to ask in front of the nurse. But Apollo was so nervous, and he had to let him know that his confession didn't change things.

Gingerly, Phoenix cupped the bottom of Apollo's face, where his head met his neck, and kissed him on the forehead. ("Oh," the nurse whispered to Trucy, "They're so sweet!") It was soft, tender, and lasted only seconds. Just until Phoenix could feel Apollo stop shaking.


	4. Chapter 4

Trucy was furious when Apollo tried to explain the situation to her. She simply wasn't hearing any of "his excuses," as she called them. Phoenix wanted to tell her to go easy on him, because life and emotions are complicated. But what could he really do? Blood-related or not, she was his daughter, through and through, and she'd argue until nothing was left.

The first thing she did upon entering Apollo's hospital room was to slap the man, hard as she could, across the face. Phoenix thought about intervening, but Trucy didn't seem intent on doing it again, and the nurse was still blathering on. Nonetheless, Trucy was furious.

"How could you do this to yourself?" she demanded.

"Trucy –"

"Or – or if you don't care about yourself anymore," how could she be reading his mind? "Then how could you do that to Daddy? How could you do that to me? O-or Athena!"

Apollo wouldn't look at her. Maybe he was feeling guilty, but Phoenix thought it more likely that he didn't have an answer that she would want to hear. Their feelings didn't occur to him, nor were they important. The only thing that mattered was that Apollo was hurting, and there wasn't anything they could do to make the pain go away.

Apollo turned out to be a frequent visitor at the hospital. Not long after coming back from that…_fun_ little excursion, the courtroom bombing sent him back. Phoenix was completely lost in nerves, and he couldn't be bothered to hide it anymore. Trucy wasn't buying it, and neither was Athena, so what was the point? The knock on the head in the ruins of courtroom four made Phoenix want to murder Ted Tonate. Hadn't Apollo been through enough?

Apparently, the answer to that was no. At least this time, it was Apollo's choice to make things harder on himself.

Phoenix never wanted Apollo to leave. It wasn't the worst experience he'd ever had in his life (and now that he thought about it, his life had been really weird), but it was up there on the list.

Apollo was sneakier than Phoenix ever wanted to give him credit for. Of course he waited until everyone was in the same room to tell him that he was "taking a leave of absence" – Phoenix couldn't very well go running after him and keep up the pretence that this was just business matters. There were probably a lot of things Athena could surmise with her super-sensitive hearing, but he couldn't be certain that Apollo's current state of mind was one of them. He wasn't willing to expose something so fragile, and Apollo was a grown man anyway. If he wanted to leave, Phoenix would have to let him.

But that didn't mean he was giving up on his promise. He still sent Apollo texts and e-mails and left him voice mail messages. He knew there was no point in begging Apollo to come back, so his messages were often ridiculous.

He texted Apollo about Trucy learning to throw knives, and about her making the honour roll. He texted stupid jokes and puns whenever he thought of them. He even sent a picture text of a dog. He called when Solomon got off, and when Athena got arrested. He sent an e-mail asking what he thought about Blackquill, and what was wrong with Fulbright.

There was one he hesitated on sending, in case it sounded too emotional or clingy. But then, hadn't Phoenix already shown those side of himself, back when they first met? He wouldn't let up on Apollo until he (begrudgingly) agreed to come and work for him. There was no good reason to shy away at this point.

_It's been really weird without either you or Athena here. Even Trucy doesn't talk much anymore._ He paused, his fingers resting on the keys, trying to figure out how to say what would inevitably come next. _I wasn't lying, Apollo, or exaggerating. I do need you… we all do. I wish you'd come back home_. And before he had time to change his mind and delete the draft, Phoenix pressed send.

* * *

He didn't expect to run into Apollo at the Space Center. That might actually be the last thing he was expecting. He didn't know why, he just…

It didn't matter what he thought. Phoenix tried to swallow down his nervously beating heart. This wasn't his first case or his first falling-out with a friend. He needed to stop acting like such a damn child. Once this case was finished, Apollo would come back, and they'd be fine again. Everything would be normal. Back to the way it was.

He hoped.

It didn't help that Aura Blackquill seemed determined to drive a wedge between them, and seeing Apollo so conflicted broke Phoenix's heart. It was clear that Apollo was happy to see them – well, at the very least, he was happy to see Trucy. Clearly, the sight of Phoenix wasn't of relieving, and he resorted back to calling him "Mr. Wright."

_Former subordinate_. Those words were ringing in his head for the rest of the day. He wasn't shocked when Trucy took off to watch after Apollo, but he did feel a little lonely. It was weird, being all alone again. How was it even possible, in the process of two days, two lose both of his employees and his daughter? Of course, Trucy would be coming back later (or so he thought), but that didn't make him feel better at the time.

Athena… Apollo… what a mess. How could Apollo really think Athena murdered Clay?

_He doesn't know what he's talking about,_ Phoenix reminded himself. Apollo's so broken up about Clay's death. _Sometimes when you feel that lonely and insecure, you can think the worst things about the best people. We all become irrational, when we lose someone we love. And this wasn't just someone he loved, this was the someone he loved. He's angry because he never got to say goodbye, so he's lashing out and grasping at strings. He'll come around at the trial tomorrow._

_I hope._

* * *

The plot was like something out of a bizarre science fiction film. Like the worst possible combination of _I, Robot_ and _Die Hard_. Robots holding people hostage, but under the command of one really pissed off older sibling. And yet all Phoenix could think was that he probably should have seen this coming. Stranger things had, after all, happened.

But still, maybe Aura's plan was a good thing. He'd get to prove Athena and Simon Blackquill were innocent. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No. His only concern was Trucy's status as a hostage. If and when they managed to uncover the truth, would Aura Blackquill accept it? He knew that Trucy was Aura's bait, the star hostage she could use to manipulate Wright any way she wanted. He was determined not to give in. There had to be a way to save his daughter, Athena, and Prosecutor Blackquill. He only hoped Trucy was doing okay – maybe Apollo was looking out for her now. If he didn't hate them by now.

It occurred to Phoenix that Apollo was probably the initial leverage. How long had this been Aura's plan? She seemed to be stalling for time, trying to get Apollo to stay and have tea with her. He'd thought at the time that it was Aura's way of making friends, or that she was trying to turn Apollo against Athena as well. Now it seemed pretty suspect.

No, that had to just be paranoia. She couldn't possibly know the lengths he'd go to in order to protect Apollo.

He was lucky to have Edgeworth there, even though it turned sour once they hit the courtroom floor. Edgeworth was only after the truth, and if he honestly thought that Athena committed the crime, then that was who Phoenix had to convince. They both wanted the innocent to go free. And go free they were about to…

Why did Apollo always have to make things so difficult? Of course he would choose the end of the trial to finally state an objection and officially indict Athena on a charge of murder. That more than anything – more than the anxiety or seeing and facing off with Edgeworth after all the see years, the fear he felt for Athena at the possibility of her conviction and watching all her worst fears be exposed…

This was the thing that hurt most. Apollo was betraying them, and Phoenix could no longer convince himself to keep his own feelings out of it. He could no longer accept that Apollo was just confused and frustrated by Clay's death. Athena didn't even have a motive for killing Clay. Clearly Clay's killer was the same person who murdered Athena's mother and stood by as Simon Blackquill took the blame.

"How could you do this to us?" he asked. It wasn't a slip of the tongue, or Wright trying to cover his own feelings. It wasn't just a personal betrayal. He, Apollo, Trucy, Athena – they were all family now. How could Apollo just leave?

Apollo proposed his theory, and it seemed so irrefutable. Edgeworth certainly agreed, still smirking condescendingly in Wright's direction. But Apollo… Doubting though he was of Athena's innocence, he was also doubtful of her guilt. The expression on his face was odd. It was like he wanted Phoenix to be proud of him for managing on his own, but despite his own anger, he still wanted to be proven wrong.

Thank god for that second escape route.


	5. Chapter 5

"But… Are you sure you want me…?" If Phoenix hadn't already had another one of the Worst Weeks of his Life, that question might have shattered his heart. "I… I took a leave of absence and everything…"

It didn't take much convincing to get Apollo to agree to take the stand alongside Phoenix. Apollo may have been unsure of where he stood with them, but Phoenix certainly wasn't. Apollo needed to be where he always belonged – by Phoenix's side. Something he thought they'd both known from the day they met…

To say the rest of the trial went smoothly would be an outright and complete lie. The judge had overseen some rather weird trials before. Just recently, in fact, they'd had a bomb go off, an inmate prosecutor who used a hawk like a carrier pigeon, a man possessed by a demon, a professor giving them an impromptu lesson in the middle of a trial, and a robot testify as a witness. Perhaps this wasn't the strangest trial that the judge (or Phoenix, or Edgeworth, or even Apollo) had ever been present for, but it was up in the top ten at least. It's not every day you discover that the detective in charge of the last four or five cases had actually been dead for quite some time, and that the man standing before you was an imposter with no real face or name.

The time period after the trial was difficult as well. Of course things were awkward, and Phoenix was a fool for thinking things would change. He just had to hope that not all of the changes were bad.

Athena didn't ask about the scars running along Apollo's arms, after he'd unwrapped the bandages. She merely looked at him in concern; and then concern turned to a sad understanding. Wright wondered how many scars like that Athena had given herself. Had they all faded away by now? Trucy didn't ask either, when she saw them later that night. She'd been staring though, and so Apollo explained, gingerly and embarrassed, where they came from.

Trucy left the room after his explanation, leaving Apollo clearly hurt. Phoenix was about to give her a lecture on manners when she came back in quietly, a black permanent marker in hand.

"I see kids at school do this sometimes. There's one particular day – I can't remember when – when it gets really popular." She took hold of Apollo's left arm, uncapped the marker, and wrote L-O-V-E above where the scars were. "You're the wrong gender for the whole saying, but I think the message still applies." She dropped his left arm and picked up the right, leaving the same message. Apollo looked confused, yet touched.

"Thanks, Trucy," he said, hugging her. Apollo then asked, meekly, if he could stay over, still looking ashamed of himself for his doubts. Trucy shouted out a yes and ran around the place, looking for more pillows. Apollo sat himself down on the bed he and Wright normally shared. Phoenix was just glad he didn't have to try to work him away from the couch.

"Nick –" Apollo called, and Phoenix turned toward him. He swallowed. "Can I – Can I still call you Nick?"

He didn't hesitate to answer. "Of course you can."

It was like they were back to square one, with Apollo still refusing to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Phoenix sighed, kneeling down to match Apollo's eye-level from where he sat on the bed. "You've already apologized, about a million times –"

"Just once," he replied. "To Athena, for not trusting her." Apollo licked his lips, and looked up. He was awful at making eye contact. His ability, coupled with his natural anxiety, made it nearly impossible to look people straight in the eye without sweating bullets or heating up. But somehow, he was managing. "I wanted to apologize for everything I put you through. For – for walking out on you and Trucy, and ignoring your messages, a-and making you worry, and trying to kill myself in your bathroom, and being so _needy_ –"

Phoenix didn't bother telling Apollo to stop talking. He wouldn't listen, anyway. He could be such a motormouth when he got rolling. Getting a word in edgewise would be nigh impossible. So instead, he took Apollo's wrists in his hands and kissed the scars on each arm. Apollo stopped talking pretty quickly, but he didn't look away. His eyes were wide, but not with fear. With anticipation. And it was so good to see that look for a change.

Trucy, of course, chose that moment to throw open the door and lob the spare pillows she found at Apollo. Whether or not Apollo liked it, he had both members of this weird family helping him fall asleep that night.

It was the first time he'd slept in several weeks.

* * *

Apollo didn't want to be alone as he riffled through Clay's things, and Wright couldn't say he blamed the kid. Now that the case was over and Clay's killer found, his personal effects were no longer considered evidence. How Apollo got the jacket in the first place was a mystery no one thought it appropriate to ask about.

Most of what Apollo was given to look at were pictures, odd knick-knacks, occasional scraps of clothing…

Athena had to leave after a while. She said she just needed to go back home and grab something she'd forgotten, but they all knew the truth: there were too many emotions for her to think straight. She'd been through her own traumatic ordeal, after all. She hid her issues so well that Wright had nearly forgotten about them.

Trucy went to go and make sure that Athena was really okay, but she returned quickly. Apparently, Athena was crying – in the arms of Prosecutor Blackquill (an image Wright couldn't and frankly didn't want to try to conjure up). Trucy thought it best to leave them alone. After all that time, with him and prison and her working to try and free him, they had some catching up to do.

The office was in that odd sort of silence again, the way it had been when Apollo was hospitalized after the bombing. _Solemn_. That was the word for it.

Trucy looked between Apollo and her daddy, as if calculating something. Phoenix didn't get a chance to ask what she was planning. Trucy rushed forward and hugged Apollo, still sitting on the floor in front of the box. "I'm so glad you're back, Polly!" she belted. Just as quickly as she'd run toward him, she was running away again. She gave her father a meaningful look and ran from the office, dragging Pearl behind her.

Phoenix might not have known exactly what the look was for, but he had a good guess.

"Nick," Apollo called softly.

"Yeah?"

"Could I… I'm sorry, it's just. There's a letter here, to me, from Clay. One he never sent."

Phoenix nodded, although Apollo couldn't see him. "Yeah, of course. I need to go and make sure Trucy's not making Pearls do something too dangerous."

Apollo looked back over his shoulder at his boss, his friend. "Thanks." Phoenix smiled, and nodded, and left. Apollo turned back to the letter.

_Dear Apollo,_

_Wow! Time really flies when we never ever see each other! Alright, okay, that's just me being picky. We've both been busy, I guess. I mean, by the time you get this, I should be in space. That would be a heck of a long way for you to fly out just for some office gossip._

_Anyway, I did have a serious reason for writing this letter. And no, it wasn't to make you feel guilty for not visiting more often. There's just something I've really needed to say, and I don't know how else to say it._

_I love you. I know. Saying it in a letter is so lame. I'm sorry I'm such a coward and couldn't just tell you in person or over the phone. But… It's out there now. I love you and I have since junior high. You saved my life with just those two words, you know. I'm fine. You're fine. I didn't think I was until you said that. I know you said you used to get the same way when you were younger, because you didn't have a mom. You've always been so upbeat and cheerful, though, ever since I've known you, and I hope you stay that way. I hope you never feel that sort of loneliness, like I did. I wasn't exaggerating, Apollo. You really did save my life. I don't know what I might have done…_

_Bah, sorry for getting all depressing on you. I've just been thinking a lot lately. Sometimes I stay up too late and I get to being existential and the more I think about my life leading up to where I am now. That's why I had to write this letter to you, why I had to tell you how I feel. I just think that, if someone's there for you like that, they must really love you, and you shouldn't let them go. I have to admit though, I was nervous about writing this letter. The more I thought about writing to you, about confessing, the more I realized I might be too late. You know, when we were kids, I always thought you had a sort of thing for me. I didn't know how to react to it, so I just pretended like I didn't know. Now we've gotten older, and I'm finally ready and able to reciprocate and… I could be wrong, but I don't think I am because I know you better than anyone, but I think you've moved on._

_It's this new lawyer guy you're working for, right? (Wright, get it? Haha!) I remember you talking about him a lot, wanting to be just like him, and being so devastated when he got disbarred. The last time we got to talk face-to-face, after you'd defended him in court, you said something about what a jerk he was, but you were still blushing. You still talk about him constantly. I don't think you know when you're doing it. I guess there's two options when infatuation fades away to disillusionment: you either grow to hate the person you once thought so great, or you find you have something real._

_I'm happy for you. I really, really am! Maybe when I get back, we can all go out or something? I'd love to meet this new girl and see her special ability in action. I think I've heard a bit about something similar. Like, in regards to the way the robots around here work._

_I guess I should wrap this letter up now. I've gone on for long enough, and geeze! You should see what time it is. Director Cosmos wants to speak to me tomorrow about something very important. I don't know what it is, but I should probably get some sleep anyway. _

_Yours,_

_Clay_

Apollo could feel tears running down his cheeks as he finished reading the letter. He couldn't very well have just ignored the letter's presence, but he felt worse after reading it. It didn't matter that this was the closure many loved ones never got to have when someone dear to them was murder. It still left Apollo feeling guilty and empty.

He could've been with Clay, if he'd just been braver. No, that wasn't it… He felt guilty because Clay was right. He had moved on. And if Clay had never written this letter, or if he'd never died and Apollo didn't get this letter so soon, maybe Apollo wouldn't feel like his emotions were so wrong. He felt so confused – shouldn't he be feeling guilt at this letter, and not relief?

'No,' a voice somewhere in his head replied. 'Because this is acceptance.'

* * *

The last time Apollo ran out of the agency, it was because he was panicked. He was high on adrenaline, sadness and anger. He didn't have any of those things anymore, so he was winded after only a couple blocks. He probably wouldn't have been able to keep running, even if Athena and Prosecutor Blackquill hadn't stopped him.

"Justice-dono, where do you think you're running off to?" How much Athena had figured out about his mental state over the past couple weeks, and how much of her suspicions she'd told to Blackquill, he didn't know. Either way –

"I need –" he huffed, "to find –" he coughed a bit on the lack of air in his lungs, "Mr. Wright."

Athena smiled widely, and Apollo could already feel himself regretting his choices of words. "Don't we all, Apollo?"

Apollo glared as the two exchanged humoured looks. Then he looked down to see their fingers intertwined, and he smirked. "Apparently you don't." Athena blushed in response, her right hand flying up to cover her face. Simon wouldn't let go of the left, and he looked greatly amused by her embarrassment. "I'm serious, guys. Do either of you know where Nick went?"

Athena clapped her cheek in surprise. "Nick?"

"Yeah," Apollo was starting to get irritated. Athena knew exactly what he meant. She was just trying to get a rise out of him. He had no patience, and it was working. "You know, our boss?"

"Ah, but Justice-dono," Simon smiled slyly. "He is not your boss anymore, or did you not hear Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth's demand of your proposal?"

Apollo blinked. He touched his forehead, trying to concentrate and remember the moment that Blackquill was talking about.

"Yeah," Athena pouted. "You didn't hear him refer to me as Mr. Wright's 'junior partner.'"

"Give it time, Athena," he replied gently.

"Oh, that? I thought he was just teasing Mr. Wright."

Simon shook his head, still smirking. "Perhaps Athena should teach you a thing or two about analytical psychology.

"Yeah, okay, sure, but not right now," Apollo said flatly. "Do either of you know where Mr. Wright went?"

Both pointed behind themselves, in the general direction of People Park. Without another word, Apollo was running again. He didn't care how many people stared, or gasped, or called him rude. He felt like he was in some sort of damn movie montage, only letting himself slow to a walk once Phoenix was in sight.

He stood up the second he saw Apollo. He was red in the face, and looking so intense. "Apollo, are you –"

Apollo grabbed the labels of Nick's suit jacket and dragged him downward. He had no idea how to go about doing this sort of thing – he'd only kissed once or twice in his life – but he'd be damned if he wasn't going to try anyway.

Wright didn't really react much, and Apollo's brain spluttered as he pulled away. "I'm so sorry, I just –"

"Have you ever actually kissed anybody before?"

"Wh-what?" Wright didn't look angry, or upset, or disgusted, or anything like that. He looked… amused? "I'm twenty-three, of course I have!" Phoenix shook his head, still smirking. "What, you think I should've said 'Take that!' or something?"

Nick laughed. "I don't know. Maybe you should just practice a little more."

Apollo huffed, ready to protest and ask that Mr. Wright stop teasing him, but he wasn't given the time. Phoenix wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled them close, kissing him first this time. His lips were softer and gentler than he'd imagined – and he had been imagining this. Maybe it would take longer for all the broken pieces to fit back together again. Eventually, they would, even if things weren't exactly how they were before. It didn't matter; things looked somehow brighter than they did before. He was fine. They were fine.


End file.
